Encouragement by being quiet?

Let us start with this story I came across: There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

“Hello?” “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” “Yes.” “Great! I’m at the mall 2 blocks from where you are and I saw a beautiful mink coat and it is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it – it is only $1,500.” “Okay” “Thanks and Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2011 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price of $60,000 … and since we need to trade in the BMW that we bought last year… well can I get it”  “Okay” “Great! Before we hang up, something else and it might seem like a lot all at one time, but I was looking over our finances and…well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property and it is only $950,000 which is a magnificent price, and I am sure we can buy it if we cash in some stocks… can we please get it” “Okay” “Thank you for all this, sweetie, I am so excited. I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!” The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present, “Does anyone know to whose cell phone this is?” I’ll bet someone wished that man had kept his mouth closed. There are times when it is best that nothing is said.

Sometimes the best communication we have is when there are no words. Words sometimes are not the best way to communicate and encourage – actually words can get us in trouble. There are times where no words are needed at all and sometimes we need to learn when to be quiet and sort out the things going on in our heads before we speak because we do not want to be known as “Someone whose mouth is always open and whose mind is always closed”. There is also the old saying, better to be thought of as a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.

So what the thing that we need to see first is that sometimes the best way to be an encourager is to simply not say anything at all.

Look and think about these two verses from Proverbs:

Proverbs 10:19 – When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is wise.

Proverbs 21:23 – The one who guards his mouth and tongue keeps himself out of trouble

If we seek to be wise, we must learn to hold our tongue more often, or bite our tongue. Sometimes we try to be encouraging with our words and we blurt out the first thing that comes to our minds and instead of saying something encouraging, we end up saying something that is hurtful or certainly not the best. In those cases we always wish that we would have been wise and held our tongue. In other words we don’t just blurt out the first thing that comes to us because it is probably not going to be a word of encouragement. Normally when we blurt out what pops into our head it comes out as sarcastic or maybe cutting and does not sound genuine. For me – I have learned that the quicker I respond to someone, the greater the danger of using reckless words, and saying something harmful which will hurt the other person, and possibly hurt and/or ruin the relationship.

How about you, have you ever found yourself wishing you would have encouraged by being quiet?  Have you ever wished you held your tongue?

More tomorrow along these lines tomorrow…….

Thinking before we speak

Sometimes it is best we guard and think about what we say instead of just talking which can be seen in this story.

It was his first day on the job for Tom who was a new clerk in fruits and vegetable department of a super market. A lady came up to him and said she wanted to buy half of a head of lettuce. He tried to convince that it was not a good idea but she persisted so he said, “I’ll have to go back and talk to the produce manager.”

He went to the rear of the store to talk to the manager, not noticing that the woman was walking right behind him. When he got into the back of the store, he said to the manager, “There’s some stupid old bag out there who wants to buy half a head of lettuce. What should I tell her?”

Seeing the horrified look on the face of the manager, he turned saw the woman and then said, “And this nice lady wants to buy the other half of the head of lettuce. Will it be all right?” Considerably relieved with the result of Tom’s quick thinking, the manager looked at Tom and said, “That would be fine.”

Later in the day, the manager talked to Tom about his quick thinking but poor use of words. He then asked, “Where are you from Tom?” Tom replied, “I’m from Toronto, Canada, the home of beautiful hockey players and ugly women.” The manager looked at him and said, “My wife is from Toronto.” Tom responded, “Oh, what team did she play for?”

This leads us to the fact that we need to always need to think before we speak. When we think before we speak, we will save ourselves a whole lot of heartache and pain and we will more encouraging to those around us.

Proverbs 15:28 says, The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.

Do you notice the word ponder here? Rarely do quickly spoken words have any thought behind them and therefore they rarely have any encouragement in them. If we would just think about our words before we open our mouth we would get in a lot less trouble and we would be all the more encouraging. This is such a simple principle but practiced so seldom.

Solomon in this Proverb tells us the righteous people consistently think about what they are going to say before they say it. The righteous measure their words carefully. Why do they do this? Because they understand once the words are out of our mouth we cannot put them back in.

There is such wisdom in thinking before we speak, because If we hold our tongue and think for a second we can ask ourselves, “is what I am about to say going to be said need to be said and is it going to be said with love and consideration for the other person and can it be said a better way?” If you cannot think of a better way to say it, the we must follow the modern day proverb that all of our parents taught us, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” In other words, the wise understand that you bite your tongue and keep your mouth closed until you think of a better response which reflects God’s commandment to speak in love to others as we would want them to speak to us.

How are you at thinking before you speak?  Is there a technique you use in thinking before you speak?  Anything else you wish to add in to this?

Rules when talking

Have you ever thought you knew the whole story when someone was talking but find out later you did not know even half the story?  Too often we allow our actions to be swayed by what we understand at the moment and we do not know the whole story. Sometimes we do not take the time to make sure we really understand what someone is saying. Sometimes we simply are not paying attention because many times we are more interested in what we have to tell others than we are in what they have to say to us. How many times have we talked to someone and knew exactly what we were going to say before we even began the discussion and never worried about anything they thought? We knew what we were going to tell them and not really discuss with them. What they had to say or what they really thought did not matter.

If you tend to dominate conversations spending more time talking than listening, you need to ask yourself why you do it. It is a serious question you need to ask figure out. Is it because you like the sound of your own voice? Is it because your words are more important? Is because you really do not care what other people have to say? I challenge you to think about why you have to dominate conversations. Whatever your reason you do it, you should understand that when you dominate conversations, you are subconsciously communicating to the other people that you care more about your affairs, your opinion, then you care about what others think or have to say. When you are one who dominates conversations, you are someone who at least in that area of life is self-centered.

The Bible does not teach us to be  self-centered but in Philippians 2:3-4 it teaches this, Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

If we are truly looking out for the interests of others it means we will listen more than we talk. God has given us two ears and one mouth for a reason. Perhaps it is so we can listen twice as much as we talk? Make sure to listen to and hear what the person is saying before you say anything. One of the best ways to encourage others is not with our mouth but with our ears to listen to what they are saying.

Here are some nevers. Never speak over some or talk when they are talking – it is rude. There is a difference between an affirmation that you are listening and speaking over someone. Never whisper to someone else while someone is talking – it is rude. Wait for the person to be done then say what needs to be said because normally a whispering comment is not something that needs to be said. Never ask a question of someone and answer it yourself without giving them time to respond – it is rude. If you ask a question – listen to the answer.

If you really have a hard time not listening to what others have to say – I challenge you to practice this: try withholding your opinion in conversations unless someone specifically asks you for it. You only share what your opinion about something if someone asks for it – otherwise you listen and do not say anything. It will be a tough think but what it will do is help you learn to listen first and think before you speak. To succeed in any relationship we must master our mouth and that comes from holding our tongue, thinking before we speak, and listening more than we speak.

Do you ever struggle not really listening to what others have to say?  What are some ways you would suggest that someone work on this?  Any other thoughts you want to share or rules you want to share regarding talking?

A Loving Husband?

Last week I looked at the wives and thought that things should be fair and now look at the husbands.  Look here at Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.

Throughout the Bible, God says more about the quality of the husband’s leadership than He does about the wife’s submission. Bad marriages are usually the result of the husband’s inability to love his wife instead of the wife’s refusal to be submitted as to the Lord. Rarely will you ever find a wife who would not be willing to follow the leadership of her husband who loves her unconditionally.

In Ephesians 5, Paul devoted twice as many words telling husbands to love their wives as he did in telling wives to submit to their husbands. Ephesians 5:25 tells us that Husbands are to love their wives in the same way that Christ loves the church. That means I must love my wife to the point of dying for her. You husbands must love your wives to the point of dying for them.

The word here for love is agape, which is the type of love that is based on commitment, not emotions or romance. If you’re here this morning and you no longer feel like you’re in love with your wife, let me shoot straight with you. It doesn’t matter whether you feel love or not. Biblical love is a verb and a command. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 reminds us that, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

If you do not have the feelings of love, it does not mean that you can take a pass on your responsibility as a husband. Act with love, and the emotions will follow. A happy marriage does not come automatically because we are naturally self-centered but marriages work because the husband and wife work at it.

I have done good amount of marriage counseling through the years. I have had husbands tell me that they did not love their wives anymore. I remember specifically a couple I counseled several years ago. The first time they came in they sat three feet apart and did not look at each other. They both told me separately that divorce was on the horizon and the husband said he did not think he loved his wife anymore. I told the husband to do the following for two weeks then both of them come back. I said – whatever it was you did when you were dating to impress her, do it again. If you wrote notes, write notes. If you wrote poems, write poems. If you took her out to certain places, do it again. If it was flowers then take her flowers. Whatever it was – you do it for two weeks and act in a loving way toward her. Two weeks later they came back. I set the chairs apart on purpose and they pulled them together. The held hands the whole time and they glowed. I asked them to tell me what changed. He said, I started doing all those things I used to do for her and for whatever reasons I fell madly in love with her again.

Husbands you need to love your wives in word and action – regardless how long you have been married. Love is a verb and a command!

The last part of verse 19 here challenges husbands to “not be embittered” with their wives. That means that even if your wife is not doing what you think she should, you are not to become resentful. Husbands must prevent a sour attitude from taking root. The only other time this word embittered is used in the New Testament, it refers to something bitter in taste. Husbands are not to be caustic, bitter, resentful or sarcastic toward their wives. These things are especially hurtful to women. Women are different than men in that you can be sarcastic with another man and he will shrug it off and not become upset by it, but if you do that with your wife you will cut her deeply, far more than you may realize. So, put off these traits of criticism and sarcasm because they are from the old life. As Christian husbands you do not act that way anymore. If a husband says something sharp to his wife it is very difficult for her to give him the support which the Lord asks of her. We need to be encouraging our wives relationship with Christ – not discouraging it by our words, attitude, and actions.

Husbands- love your wives!

What did I miss?  What is the best marital advice you ever got?

Are Wives to Submit?

I thought I would pick up a hot potato today and toss it around this time.   I want to take a moment today and look at Colossians 3:18 -  Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.-NAS  (The word subject is mostly rendered as submit).

Let me tell you what this verse does not mean before I tell you what it does mean. This does not mean that the husband is smarter or more gifted than the wife at all. This does not mean that a wife is a door mat for whatever the husband wants. This does not mean that the husband has some iron fist that he rules his wife and house with. This does not mean that a wife should ever be abused in any way, shape, or form by the husband using this verse and the others like it. This does not mean that women are inferior to men.

So what does this mean? Let us look closely at it. First thing to understand is that everyone must submit to other people in life – it is just a part of life. In Ephesians, Paul says Christians are to submit “one to another.” Sometimes we find this hard but it is what the Word of God tells us to do. Submission is also what we are told to do when it comes to government officials in Romans 13:1. We can see that Jesus submitted to his parents in his life as we read in Luke 2:51. The idea of submission is one that is all through the New Testament.

When we want to see a display of submission that is the essence of what it is all about we need to look again to Jesus. True submission is seen in our Lord submitting of himself to the Father. No one would ever think that Jesus found it a reproach to submit to the Father. The fact is that when we read the gospels we see that Jesus delighted in his submitting to his Father. We see that Jesus, who was and is God, voluntary submitted to His Father. In no way did he regard it as a threat to the equality which he knew existed between himself and the Father. Therefore, to submit to someone does not mean you are not equal. Submission does not mean inequality. Literally, it means “put yourself under, arrange yourself under someone, for a good and proper purpose.” True submission is a voluntary action.

So submit literally means “to be under in rank.” When Paul writes submit or subject here he is using a military term and it speaks of the way that an army is organized among levels of rank, with Generals and Colonels and Majors and Captains and Sergeants and Privates. There are levels of rank, and the lower ranks are obligated to respect those of a higher rank simply because of the rank.

A lower rank does not submit to the higher rank as a person always but it is done out of honor to the rank. In the same way, the wife doesn’t submit to her husband because he deserves it but because he is her husband. The wife’s submission is never to be forced on her by a demanding husband because that is sinful. A wife submission comes flowing out as the natural esteem of a loving wife for her husband who is loving her as Christ loves the church.

The command “to submit” is based on the positive desire of the wife. Paul is challenging wives to defer to their husbands. In looking at this, the wife is no slave. She is not to be ordered about by her husband. The Bible views her as a partner as seen in Genesis 2:18-23. She is the husband’s complement. They make decisions together in life. They are equals but someone has to make a final decision in a deadlock.

If we want to see submission in detail and practice we should look to the Godhead. There is a submission within the Trinity that is clearly laid out in Scripture. Christ says that He only does those things which please the Father. Yet Christ, being God, could do whatever He pleased. The Holy Spirit does not testify of Himself, but of Christ. Again, the Holy Spirit as God could do whatever He wanted to, but is in submission to the will of the Father who has set this ordering of things. We see how submission works here and with that submission is not a bad word but it is like forgiveness in that when it is done for the right reason – it brings about a true power and freedom – it is honoring to all involved.

The person who exercises their will voluntarily is in a place of power. The wife’s ultimate authority is God. If the husband requests her to do something outside of God’s will for her, she has the biblical right to reject the husband’s request. She does what she does for the sake of the Lord. She should never submit to avoid a fearful situation such as her husband’s anger, silence or criticism but submission is always done for the Lord. The motivation here for the wife is because it is how God desires it to be and to please him with what is done. This same idea is taught by Paul in Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 11.

So the missing piece for many is found in the phrase, As is fitting in the Lord, which does not define the extent of or limit of submission but the motive of a wife’s submission. The verse means, “Wives, understand and support your husband by submitting to them in ways that honor the Master”. Submission here is all about honoring God.

So this is my take on this subject, so what are your thoughts?  Am I am track or my way off line?  What is the first thing that comes to your mind where you hear Colossians 3:18  – Wives, submit to your husbands, as fitting to the Lord?

Parenting–Is Discipline Something of Great Importance?

I have some thoughts I want to share about parenting today. I am not an expert by any means on parenting but I am a parent  of a 16 year old girl and a 9 year old boy.  I have work with teens in the past as a Youth Pastor for over 8 years and more than that I spent over 10 years working in the counseling field with teens – some with mental health issues and some with addiction problems and some with both.  So today as I talk about my view of these verses and of parenting I do so with an understanding of teens and know some of the pitfalls. 

Now let me share these verses with you that got me thinking about this subject – Colossians 3:20-21 -  20 Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

Obedience means there is a higher authority and it implies respect for one in authority. Obedience is yielding one’s self and will to authority. Obedience is a form of guidance and through it children learn to adapt behavior to proper standards. I see and believe that obedience is the foundation for character. Parents – if you are not obedient to rules, laws, morals, and God – do not expect your children to be because you are the one who models this behavior.  In other word – Parents need be people of character.

Obedience to parents is God’s design for order in homes and disobedience is rebellion which is a sin and causes disorder in the home. To obey means to do so on the basis of paying attention to the parents, what they are teaching you, and what rules they have for you. This principle applies as long as the child is under the roof of the parents regardless of the age.  What children need to understand is their parents are their authority. This authority has the responsibility to train children how to live principles of the Word of God and live life in general.

The verse says that fathers are not to exasperate their children so for the parents I have listed four things that we can do to not exasperate or irritate our children or cause them to lose heart.

1. Make sure a balanced discipline is a part of life in the home – too little causes children to lose heart and too much causes children to lose heart.  Balance out the discipline.
2. Unfair punishment causes loss of heart in children as well as parents who are impulsive when punishing their children. There must be a balance between discipline and love. All discipline should be done in love and not out of personal hurt. Discipline is not the same as punishment. Punishment simply tries to control the behavior while discipline seeks to teach the child to do something a different way.
3. Parents must not threaten as a way of discipline – it is useless. Threats just make more threats till you have to do something that is not effective in teaching a better way. Discipline should be a way of teaching the child to do things a different and right way and that does not come through threats.
4. After discipline, express forgiveness to the child.   Then help the child with their outlook because parents are to encourage their children. Ephesians warns against discouraging our children. It is important to give the child a sense of belonging, worth and confidence in Christ.

Discipline when it comes to children helps us be better parents and helps our children to live a better life and a better life for Christ.

These are just a few thoughts I have regarding parenting,kids, and these verses from Colossians 3.   So what is at least one piece of advice that you would give when it comes to patenting – I do not care if you are single or married or a parent  or grandparent– you were raised by parents so what is something that you learned that an invaluable piece of parenting advice?

Special Days and People!

The next several days hold a lot of special meaning for me. 

Let me share with you why.

First, my son who turned 9 just a week ago will be playing in his first All-star tournament in baseball.  He is a great kids that makes me laugh and brings much joy to my life.  He is a good athlete and does well with any sport that he plays and right now he is excelling in baseball.  To go with that he is also a good student who was on the honor roll for the entire year.  He asks many great spiritual questions. He is a little me in many ways which is scary and fun all at the same time.   He is a great kid and I am proud to be his dad.

Second, my daughter turns 16 on Sunday and his having a sweet sixteen blowout party on Saturday night.  She is an awesome young lady!  She is beautiful, fun, and funny.  She has many of the same passions in life such as music, movies, and inspirational quotes.  She too has gained some of my bad qualities such as my sarcastic wit that get us both in trouble.  She is a gifted photographer and loves to take pictures edit them and add in some great quotes – like I said – she is gifted in this.   She is also gifted in cosmetology and fashion.  She is a wonderful young lady who has a passion for life and loves and lives life to its fullest.  I am proud to be the father of such a wonderful young lady.

Third, Sunday is Father’s day and I have been blessed with a wonderful father.  My dad was the dad who was at almost every practice I ever had and I never remember him missing a game.  He has a passion for hunting and fishing which I certainly have.  He also has a passion for sports in general and that too is me.  I am a lot like my dad and that is a good thing.  I was blessed to grow up with the dad I did.

Fourth, Monday marks my wife and my nineteenth wedding anniversary.  I could not have married a better woman and she for sure makes me a better man.  Wendy is a godly woman and I have seen her grow so much in Christ in the last couple of years especially.  .  She is so much fun to be around.  We love to laugh and joke around together.  Oh and did I mention that she is godly, fun, funny, and beautiful”?  She is definitely gorgeous!  Thing have not been easy for us but we have stuck together as a team and God has blessed us beyond anything we could imagine. I am a blessed man to have such a smart, beautiful, and wonderful woman be my best friend and the one who I get to share life with everyday.

Fifth, Tuesday is my moms birthday.  Again I am blessed to have a godly woman as my mother.  She has always been there supporting me.  She has always been there praying for me.  She is a woman who loves her family and is passionate about them and passionate about God. The passion for God that I have is a direct result of the passion that my mom has had lived out in front of me.   I was blessed to grow up with the mom that I did.

As you can read – this is going to be a busy few days – baseball tournament games, a blow out sixteenth birthday party, father’s day celebrations, an anniversary to celebrate, and mom’s birthday (although she will not be here till near the 4th of July).  I am blessed by God to have such a wonderful family and we are going to have a great weekend! 

June is a busy month for us as a family – what is your busy month and what does your weekend hold?